I drive on autopilot once again
Going 80mph
Not really seeing what’s in front of me
The voices next me
I don’t really hear
My head back against the seat
Trying to focus
Loud voices in my head
Voices from my childhood
Telling me I eat to much
Feeling like I’m not enough
Feeling the hands against my hand
As I get smacked
My daughter telling me
She is remembering
What I blocked out
The hands on arms or legs
The small smacks here and there
Very unwanted
The touches we said no too
Even the hugs
The constant broken consent
The loud voices
Coming from another
Telling me this is how it is
Feeling myself go numb
Just agreeing with what they said
Not knowing what else to do
Feeling numb talking about abuse
Sexually assault
Even rape
I am losing feeling
Autopilot
That’s how I get by
The feeling is slipping away
I don’t know how to deal
I push you away
With my hurtful words
Words I never thought I’d say
Feeling hurt
So I shutdown
I can’t feel no more
I can’t cry no more
I can’t show emotions
I have to fight these feelings
I want to scream
I am on autopilot
