Regret

 Do you regret me

Do you regret meeting me

Collaring me

Loving me

Do you wish that those wounds 

you opened stayed closed

Maybe you regret just letting me

Loving you

Breathing life into you

Do you regret our friendship 

The way you were my constant 

Always showing up

Picking up the pieces 

Of a person who was shattered

Do you regret putting me back together 

Maybe you should have kept me in pieces

Maybe you’d be better off

Do you regret us

Regret everything about us

Regret the calls

The videos

Everything 

I know I don’t 

I hope you don’t either

I can’t tell anymore

Not right now

For I am lost

Not finding my way 

Hoping I’m not lost forever

In your world of regret

I Thought I Was Enough

 I thought everything was fine

Now I don’t know

Your world is changing

Faster than I’d like

You act like you don’t care

As I worry about us

Watch your world turn in chaos

Trying to figure out

If an us still exists 

After this world calms down

I don’t know anymore

You act like you want to give up

I don’t think you really do

Whatever she wants

Seems to go

What you or I want

Falls to the ground

Smashed into pieces

A dream I once had

Feels like it’s out of reach

Words I have heard before

Words of I won’t give up

I want you

I choose you

When things get tough

I am no longer chosen

Left by the side of the road

Staring off as you drive

Hoping you’d turn around

Your choice was made

Your love for me not enough

I pray this is not so

I want to be chosen

Over and over and over again

I want to believe there is a chance

There will always be an us

Despite what my gut says

I have to trust you

Believe in you

For this long you have chosen me

Is it enough

No matter what life throws at you

Am I enough to keep choosing

God I hope so

I want to be enough

Insecurities

 Why does the past haunt me

It doesn’t make sense

The most weird times

There is a trigger

Maybe a sound

Even a smell

My thoughts go running

I want to question the person I love

Feeling insecure about everything

Floods me 

I fight the rising waters

I try to tread and keep my head above

Not let my sink

What if he lied

Just like everyone else

I am just stupid to believe

I know he wouldn’t hurt me

Do I really know

It’s a man that lives so far away

The trust is based on words and actions

Learning to read tone

That’s just it

The tone shakes

The thoughts he has stays buried deep

I feel so lost

Because I can’t help calm his mind

Just like all the others 

The words that escape

I feel only bring more pain

Flooding of more words

Drowning 

Fighting

Pretending everything is ok

Instead I fight

Fight the only way I know

Push 

Keep pushing

Brat out

It’ll be fine

The thoughts will settle

They always do

I have to believe 

No reason for me to 

My love has to prevail

His does too

The deep insecurity 

Continues to fall into the deep blue

No light can shine

Hopes it all ends

Truth will finally show

It has too, right

Can You Hear Me

 The tall dark shadows loom above

Looking up to find that peace
Lost in the world
Standing alone
Calling out “can anyone hear me”

No reply
Blanket in hand
Head hung low
Feeling so lost
Nowhere to turn

The rustling of the leaves
The only noise I hear
Hoping, praying someone to find me

20th August 2017

Broken

 I sit here on my knees

with my arms wrapped around me

holding on tight

not letting go

to the pull of your hands

 

my head hung low

with my eyes shut tight

my chin begins to quiver

 

the first tear begins to fall

and I fight hard for no more

you whisper in my ear

it’s ok to cry do not hold back

 

the second one starts to fall

and you tell me again

it’s ok to cry do not fight

 

they start to stream down my face

as I try with my might

to hold them all back

to bottle them up

for I don’t want you to see

 

you sit in front of me

you wipe those tears

and remind me that it’s ok

 

I look up and I see you there

“I am broken”

“You are just fine”

“You see that I have broke”

“You are a good girl

and you are not broke

you are healing and growing

but, you are not broke”

 

as I continue to cry

I let those words sink in

I am not broke

I am healing

I am growing

I am becoming a better person

Thank You

Written: 2017

You See Me

 I see you at a distance

Watching your every move
Wondering, waiting, to see what you do
Watching your black ears perk up
As if you sense me, see me
Do you?
Do you sense me?
Watching you from afar?

I see your silk black fur glisten in the sun
The way it moves with every stride
Your blue eyes looking around
Trying to find me in what seems like an easy task

I crouch down in the open field
Try to blend in as best as I can
Still watching you
Waiting for your next move

You see me, I know you do
Not the way I see you
You see the spirit that I am
Yet, you really don’t see me

Your soft black nose sniffs in the sweet air
Hoping you can find me by scent
Seeking me as you close your eyes
Hoping you can find me by smell
I see you, watching, wondering, and waiting

Do you think I am here?
Is it the spirit me?
I sit up looking at you with your eyes close
Your nose in the air breathing deep
Hoping I am found

You look in my direction as if you spotted me
I duck down in hopes I am not found
I know you saw me
I know you sensed me
You breathe in deep to see if you were right

I peek up again making eye contact
Watching, waiting, wondering
Come to me?
Will you?
You waiting til I’m ready
Right now I do not know
You know
Don’t you

You see it
Sense it
I am ready
You knew all along
Didn’t you

Written: April 2017