Emotions

 I know I am shutting down

Closing the trust we built

I don’t know anymore

What is in store of us

In three months

A year

Will you still be here

I feel this shift happening

One I wish I didn’t feel

Big emotions are trying to surface

Instead I bury them

I want to tell everyone I’m fine

There isn’t anything anyone can do

I’m forcing myself to eat

The nausea hits me hard

What can I do

Not to be hunched over

Crying and screaming

Trying to believe every word you say

Yet not believing you at all

Written 8/30/2026

Do I Matter

 Do I matter

Do you care about my thoughts

Right now I don’t know

I feel like I’m in the open

Searching

Trying to survive 

Find comfort

In something that doesn’t exist 

Your hand is too far to reach

Do my words count

At least for something

Are you willing to fight for me

No matter the cost

I hear the battle being lost

As the storm is blowing through

Do you even need me

Your life is so busy

It’s like I’m not there

Your words have changed

I don’t know if you do

Not like I need you

I want you as the flowers need air

We need food

I want you in many ways

Do you want the same

Am I an object 

One to watch from afar

Am I this person

You only come too

When your life is hard

Forget about when it’s easy

I’ll be there to pick you up

Tell you the words you want to hear

Appreciate the little things

Breathe life into you

Do I matter

Enough to always be there

Lean on

The good and the bad

Do I no longer matter

Is it

I never did in the first place 

Written 8/31/26

Another Season

 The colors of leaves change

The air begins to cool

Signs of fall are right around the corner

Screaming fans

Smells of grills 

Rolling through the air

For it’s that time of year

Where the world shifts

Changes

Another season

Not just for the world

For me too

Another year older

Another candle blown out

A year of laughter

Tears

Heartache

All are left behind

More tears form

More laughter comes

Mask forms

Trying to play make believe 

For this is just another act

In a play called life

Shadows begins to creep

Sounds go still

Leaves fall to the ground

Laughter goes quiet

Tears begin to fall

Corners of mine go dark

The demons try and escape

As I sit and scream

Then go silent

Another year 

Another season

Flying Objects

 Windows crash open

Broken glass everywhere

I thought I could breath

A gush of air flies around me

Sharp objects as small as rice

Comes flying towards me

I scream in pain

Trying to escape this vast openness 

Running

Anywhere

As with each blast of air

Sharp objects hit me over and over

No blood is shed

Surprisingly 

I am trying to find cover

Everywhere I turn

Wind

Flying objects

There is no escape

Depression

I feel the darkness creeping in

I am pretending everything is ok

I fake a smile 

Hide behind the laugh

Yet my eyes will always tell

Yet I try and hide

I want to hide the pain

The grief

Everything that I am feeling

The lack of physical pain I feel 

No one knows what is deep inside

I am afraid of losing a friendship 

Grieving so much loss

Trying to learn to live

Especially without family

Feeling more alone than normal

Watching the world go by

As everyone is needing someone else

Someone else is needing them

I don’t feel needed

Being left alone in the shadows

In the silence 

Being happy for everyone

Yet crying inside

They may see me

Don’t say a word

That’s ok

I don’t want them to worry

I’ll let them live

Their lives go on

I’m no longer needed

No longer wanted

Feelings of not being capable

Screams deep inside

Want to claw its way out

Somehow it gets shoved down

No one wants to hear

The complaints

The cry’s

Anything my body wants to do

I stand in the corner of the shadows

Watching the world

Trying to hang on

I don’t know what else to do

I Kneel

 I kneel because I want too

For the love I have for you

I knew because I can let go

The cares are no longer there

I kneel out of submission 

Out of desire and need

I kneel for the look in your eyes

Wanting to please

The touch on my cheek

So soft and tender

The dominance over me

Overwhelms me

Thank you Sir 

Thank you for your love

Your devotion 

Thank you for caring for me

Guiding me

The Ring

 I feel like I am stupid

Waiting for something

That may never come

I was hoping

Praying

Things would be different

Instead

I fear they are the same

I asked for something

Not knowing the future

It will come to bite me

Instead it just won’t show

Does that mean it’s true

That I am just not wanted like that

If it is given 

It can be so easily taken away

That is the fear

The hope I had is diminishing 

The endless photos

Of hope

Love

Support

I should just delete

Does it really mean anything

All that time wasted

I mean

Was it a waste

I don’t know

Only you can really tell me

Loud Noises

 Screeching 

Banging

All within the corners of my mind

Silent voices

Not even a whisper

Just the noises from beyond

Something new

More torment

The dark shadows want to play

Realizing words rarely work

Whispers no longer heard

Banging of pipes 

Scratching surfaces

Making me feel insane

That is what they are best at

Craving iron

They can not get

At least not yet

Finding a new way for me to break

Seeing how long this takes

The moment I close my eyes

Loud noises start

Insanity creeps in

My dark shadows and the insanities are becoming friends

Teaming up

Finding a new way to destroy

Finding a new way to find iron

Are They True

 Is it true

The words that were said

No one will want me

Is it a lie

That someone

Somewhere

Will I only be good for one thing

A mistress

A second

An after thought

Only in the back of someone’s mind

Maybe just a shadow

I want to be a priority 

A first

Not a last

Not a second

I don’t even know what’s that like

I seem to choose wrong

Maybe the words are wrong

I don’t know anymore

Will I ever

Words dictate actions

Actions don’t match 

Which one do I believe 

I was taught to hear the words

Not see what is done

I ask questions

I overthink

I want answers 

Which only makes you mad

I crawl inside

Into a shell

Try to hide so you can’t see

The wall crumbling on top of me

Trouble breathing

Anxiety filled

Not knowing how to survive 

Trying to decipher your words

Figuring out which ones are real

With each breath you take

Every sound that escapes

I try and believe you

Believe I am loved

Worth fighting for

I am not some second

An after thought

I am someone

Not just anyone

I ask again

Are the words true

Resting on your lips

Listening

Waiting

Only time will tell 

Proud

 You saw me working hard

Doing things out of my norm

Yet it seemed like it wasn’t good enough

Not an attaboy

Nothing

It was can’t you guys get more of this

More of that

I have come a long way you know

I lift more than I used too

I have lost weight

Dropped sizes

Gained muscles

All since you saw me last

Yet, nothing meaningful

Why are not you proud

You don’t say you are

Your actions sure don’t speak it

What am I supposed to believe

Is none of you are proud

You are all the same

Came from the seed

I should know better

I shouldn’t have hope

Especially for things to change

I am sorry I won’t measure up

I am sorry I am not enough 

Maybe one day I’ll make you proud

Maybe one day I’ll make everyone else too