Can You Hear Me

 The tall dark shadows loom above

Looking up to find that peace
Lost in the world
Standing alone
Calling out “can anyone hear me”

No reply
Blanket in hand
Head hung low
Feeling so lost
Nowhere to turn

The rustling of the leaves
The only noise I hear
Hoping, praying someone to find me

20th August 2017

Broken

 I sit here on my knees

with my arms wrapped around me

holding on tight

not letting go

to the pull of your hands

 

my head hung low

with my eyes shut tight

my chin begins to quiver

 

the first tear begins to fall

and I fight hard for no more

you whisper in my ear

it’s ok to cry do not hold back

 

the second one starts to fall

and you tell me again

it’s ok to cry do not fight

 

they start to stream down my face

as I try with my might

to hold them all back

to bottle them up

for I don’t want you to see

 

you sit in front of me

you wipe those tears

and remind me that it’s ok

 

I look up and I see you there

“I am broken”

“You are just fine”

“You see that I have broke”

“You are a good girl

and you are not broke

you are healing and growing

but, you are not broke”

 

as I continue to cry

I let those words sink in

I am not broke

I am healing

I am growing

I am becoming a better person

Thank You

Written: 2017

You See Me

 I see you at a distance

Watching your every move
Wondering, waiting, to see what you do
Watching your black ears perk up
As if you sense me, see me
Do you?
Do you sense me?
Watching you from afar?

I see your silk black fur glisten in the sun
The way it moves with every stride
Your blue eyes looking around
Trying to find me in what seems like an easy task

I crouch down in the open field
Try to blend in as best as I can
Still watching you
Waiting for your next move

You see me, I know you do
Not the way I see you
You see the spirit that I am
Yet, you really don’t see me

Your soft black nose sniffs in the sweet air
Hoping you can find me by scent
Seeking me as you close your eyes
Hoping you can find me by smell
I see you, watching, wondering, and waiting

Do you think I am here?
Is it the spirit me?
I sit up looking at you with your eyes close
Your nose in the air breathing deep
Hoping I am found

You look in my direction as if you spotted me
I duck down in hopes I am not found
I know you saw me
I know you sensed me
You breathe in deep to see if you were right

I peek up again making eye contact
Watching, waiting, wondering
Come to me?
Will you?
You waiting til I’m ready
Right now I do not know
You know
Don’t you

You see it
Sense it
I am ready
You knew all along
Didn’t you

Written: April 2017 

Tears In My Soul

 I wipe my face

As more tears begin to flow
Only deep within
For you are buriedI feel you crying deep inside
My heart aches
You feel such pain

You no longer feel free
Nor do you feel safe
Feel the arms around you
Let them love you

Let the tears fall free
Let them escape
Once you do
You’ll no longer in pain
Stop hiding me

My soul wipes you away
Aching and burying you
For I can’t hold on no more
They can no longer escape

My soul cries out
Only deep within me
My soul looks out the window
To only see pain

See how far you have gone
Allow me to cry out
Allow me to escape
Allow me to be free
Stop hiding me

For you are ok

Written: March 2017

Crying Out

 Curled up in a fetal position

I cry for you
Cry for you to hear me
To respond to me
For you to love me
For you to just careThe tears fall like a clear waterfall
As I bury my face
I try to muffle the sound
As my heart aches
Just for you to see

Do you not hear me
Do you not see me
Do not love me or care for me
What do i need to do
As I cry for you

I am no longer worthy
As I let my hand fall
I can no longer reach
I can no longer fight
I can no longer love

All I do is cry out for you
I want you to respond
Care for me
Love me
Cherish me
Do you not hear me

I’m crying out to you
I’m begging you
Begging to be loved
Just to have your touch
One more time

Written: March 2017

Test Me

 The clear night sky

Shines down upon me
Calling my name
To see if i hear

For where I stand
There is no moon
Nor stars shine above
Yet i hear a voice
Soft and rugged

The darkness is calling me
Seeing who I am
Seeing if i am able
Seeing if I am true

Again someone is calling me
No face to show
No form in the distance
Only the shadows of trees

I stand still
Listening
Waiting
Seeing
If just maybe he will call again

That whisper
Soft rugged voice
Speaks again
Yet, i hear nothing
Nor do i see

I concentrate on what I hear
He has to show
His true form
Doesn’t he

He is testing me
Seeing if I am true
Seeing if I am worthy
Seeing if I can let go

A shadow appears before me
Still in no true form
Studying me
Making sure i am who I am

Can I fight this fight
Only he knows for sure
Even if i no longer can see
For now he will test me

Written: March 31, 2017 

Shower

 I stand under you as the water runs down

My hand against the wall
My head hung low
My eyes closed and everything blends
I can’t tell if it’s you or my own tears
I slowly open my eyes and they begin to burn
My shoulders shake close my eyes again
What a mix of the two

The steam rises and fills the room
No one can hear me as I begin to sob
The day washes away with every tear
I begin to slide down for I can no longer stand
I sit there under the running water
Holding my knees and cry 
Wondering what am I going to do

How much more pain do I have to endure
How many more tears need to run down
Haven’t you taken enough
I raise my head with my eyes closed tight
Feeling the water change from hot to cold
How long have I been here
It doesn’t matter not anymore


I allow the water run down my face
Down every inch of me
hoping, praying that maybe I can heal
Then another attack
Another rip of the hart
More tears mixed with water


I stand up to finish what I started
For I can’t be here forever
I have to come out
Hold my head high and raise my shoulders
Once again I have to be the strong one

Written: April 13, 2017

You Are Safe

 You stand in front me as I bang on your chest

Telling you how much I hate you
With tears streaming down my face
Fear deep within my eyes, you see me
You take my wrists not caring the trigger
You hold them tight as I struggle to fight

I tell you how I can’t trust you
How badly I have been hurt
I even tell you everyone who has walked away
You still hold my wrists telling me to stop
Just for a moment and look deep within your eyes
You ask me again “Do you trust me?”

You take my wrists and you pull me to you
As my wrists and arms tightly against your chest
With your arms tightly around me
The fight you feel is so real that you hold on just a little longer

You hold me tight as I start to fall
With the burning eyes and tears staining my face
You look at me once more
“Do you trust me?”
I try to look up and fight you some more
You grab me tight and whisper in my ear
The most powerful words that one can hear
“You. Are. Safe.”

I stop the struggle and look up at you
With the most littlest of eyes
You look down and smile as I collapse in your arms
You remind me that I’m safe once more

Written: April 15, 2017

Breathe

 Looking down on me

You see so many colors
Yet to discover what lays beneath
You see me standing there
Looking at something
Watching your eyes
Following the glow

The colors you see
Move from right to left
Never waiver what is under me
You look and you look
To only see me
The colors on the outside
But not what there is to see

I open my wings as I breathe in the air
Finally letting go of what was
The purples and the blues
Maybe even some pinks and some whites
You are trying to figure out
What a pretty sight

You see me stretch
As i have not done for so long
You watch me relax
Watch me breathe
You watch me take off
Fly away home

Written: March 31, 2017

New Me

 You did not defeat me

For a year I let you
You imprisoned me in my home
Made me scared of my shadowYou took away what I had left
You took away my safety
My love, my joy, even my hope
I let you control me
You weren’t even here

Now I can come out
Let my wings spread
Not be afraid
For you made me stronger
Made me a teacher
Even an advocate

For you thought you broke me
You once did
Now i have my wings
I can fly
Fly farther than before
Fight harder and longer

So thank you for the damage
For I am a new me
You no longer have control

Written: April 2017

Are You Happy

 “Are you happy?”

What kind of a question is that
With cheeks stinging
Pain in my heart
How can that be asked

The demons laugh
As they play and torment
Tickling the pain buried so deep
Teasing the unkind words in my head
“Are you happy?”

My demons laugh
As more words sting
The light disappears
My heart aches
The screams of my soul

“Are you happy?”

You suck the happiness out of me
Til I am left cold and hard
You fly over me laughing
For you know
The battle has begun

Written: 2018

Battling Emotions - TW

 stop the battle that you feel

for neither side will win

they both are fighting to protect you

and you are fighting to the end

 

stop the battle deep within

and let it play it’s course

for the right side will win

when it’s done protecting you

 

you have to choose a side not win

for the side that wins is right

the emotions then will fall into place

and you will no longer be able to fight

 

stop the battle you feel deep within

for you know which side has to win

even though they both are protecting you

you have to let your emotions win

 

please let them flow

before you go numb

and close everyone out

 

we both have been down this road

and the numbness

will make you go dark

 

the battle of emotions needs to win

so please stop fighting

before you go cold

for you know this way is right

Written: 2018

Allowance

 The walls are high

As I stand in the middle

Of the fortress

I look around

Breathe in the air

 

I look at the gate

Wondering if I should run

I see you there

Waiting patiently

Loving me

Looking at me

 

My knees begin to shake

I fall to the ground

With my head buried

In my hands

 

You walk slowly

And kneel down

Lift up my chin

Looking at me

Not saying a word

 

My tears stream down

As your arms wrapped

Around me tight

Not saying a word

 

I hear footsteps

I let go for just a moment

Looking

Realizing

How much I have let in

 

You have touched me

They have touched me

Touched my heart

Touched my life

 

I fall back into your arms

As I am trying so hard

To let you in

To let them in

To allow the love

To allow the hurt

To leave me

 

I feel them come closer

Like a wall of protection

Even though I feel open

Your arms just get tighter

Reminding me it’s ok

 

Reminding me

No one is going to hurt me

You are not going to allow it

Reminding me I am loved

Cared for

I am not hated

I matter

 

Allowing you in

Means I need to trust

And remember

How much I mean to you

Written: 2018