Disassociation

Are you okay

I get asked daily

I tell them I’m fine

As I mask the overwhelming amount of stress I feel

I stare at them

Pretending that I am fine

That is all I know how to do

For trauma built me this way 

To mask everything deep within

Walking through the door

Smiling

As if nothing is going on

Pretending everything around me is rainbows

Except overhead is this storm cloud

Raining down

Spilling on my face

Portraying as tears

Wiping them away as if my hands are blades

Trying not smudge the shit that piled up

Hoping to see clear

Sitting in radio silence

I try and hide in a room full people

Earbuds in

Focused on other things

If I don’t hear or see them

They can’t hear or see me

Right

Somehow I have to keep moving

Masking

Disassociating from this reality around me

As my chest hurts

Remind me that I am human

I am not this superwoman 

Yet, I keep fighting

Burning out

With a candle burning from both ends

Keeping my home intact

Along with my mask

It’s becoming like phantom of the opera 

Whose face you see half of

Only revealing when he is ready

Except this mask

Is held tightly with ribbons 

Almost glued to my face

Still I look at them

Telling them I am fine

As my body feels like quasimodo

Hunched from the attacks

My head trying to stay high

Before my knees hit the floor

Turning my body to stone 

Heaviness is weighing me

No more fight

Yet

I tell you I am fine

Disassociated

Masked

Most of you believe me 

As internally I’m screaming

Not wanting to be here

I find a way

I always do