I Joked About You

I joke about you

Pretend that we are friends

Yet you are locked away most days

Today pounding on the glass

Wanting to escape

How such a black shadowy figure

Can make so much noise

Somehow you scream louder than me

Wanting out

Having me joke about drinking things

Oh the ideations that creep in

There was a crack

How did I let you in

The unknown of the source

The glass rattles

As bang harder

Screaming to be let free

Those who look close enough

May just see

For the eyes are a window

The window is where you are at

Making yourself known

No longer behind the curtain

Standing there

Getting my attention

You hear those words

I am fine

Escape these lips

As you had hoped

For you know

I say it enough

The games will start

A game to you

Is a war for me

A power struggle

Of who will win

The defeat won’t happen

Til I am bloody and bruised

A fight I constantly push against

A game you love to play

Being bloody and bruised 

Is how you like me

You’ll whisper in my ear

The things I love to hear

Being to weak

I’ll listen

Only too closely

Your darkness

Will slowly consume me

Like the smokey demon you are

Breathless

Your raspy voice will share your thoughts

Begin to poke and prod

No energy to force you back

The window is open for all to see

Trapped that you are

How much longer will you be trapped

For the answer is unknown

I have fight in me

Before your game starts

We both know how this goes

Only one always survives 

I Told you I’m Fine

I want to tell you I am fine

Inside I am screaming

I have to pretend

Force my tears down

Every time I turn around 

I feel the heat rising

My hand ball up

I stop myself

Just before my fist hits the wall

I scream loud with frustration

As a sound almost of roar

Maybe a growl escapes these lips

My vocals are sore

From pushing things down

Screaming so loud

I don’t want you to worry

I am fine

At least that’s what I keep saying 

If I say it enough

Maybe I’ll just believe it

The hurt of the day

The overwhelming feeling floods me like tsunami 

Tries to wash me back out

My hands clawing at the powdery sand

I just scream some more

The feeling of being told

You are nobody

How that stings

Maybe I deserve that

Maybe I am just that

A nobody

For I am a girl with no name

At least that’s what I come to believe 

I keep telling you I am fine

As I walk around this world

It spins around me

I stand in place

Time passing me by

I no longer have concept of such things

For it’s never standing still

I am fine I told you

Why don’t you believe me

Is it because my eyes glasses over

Maybe the redness in my cheeks

Is it caused I snapped at you

All the above tells you I am fine

My eyes are red

They look like glass

For those who see me

Know what is hiding

See the pain buried deep within

Maybe they’ll see I am not fine

If I say I am not

I have to buckle up

Move on

Believe other people 

Look at the source

Stop letting them get to me

How can that happen

When your trained this way

I am fine

When the memories of a hand on my throat

Sirens blaring in my ears

That’s not what bothers me

No one cares to listen

Maybe I’m not worth hearing

For if I was

Maybe they’d see me

Hear me

When I joke about drinking poison

It’s just a thought I joke

I’ll never act

There goes my ideations again

Screaming from behind

Pounding on the glass

Wanting to escape

I am fine, right?

I have to be

No one cares if I am not

I am alone in this world

Fighting a battle I already lost

My position given up

Before it started

Who was my trader

The battle keeps going

I stand there

Sounds

Everyone moving around me

I don’t have this

Maybe I never did

That’s what I’m told right

Whispers under my breathe

I have to be fine

I just have to be