A Glimpse

 I slide my back against the wall

Pull my knees close

I stare blankly off to the world

Trying to remember how to feel

I have grown numb

Accustomed to the pain

I turn my head

I see my life

Trying to pass by me

The people walking past

Not even stopping to say hi

I see a world

That I am growing numb too

A world I don’t care in

Seeing parts of me fighting

For something to believe in

Yet the faith I have is gone

I tilt my head back and stare up

I wish I knew how to fight

Fight a battle that’s deep in my head

All I hear is the life around me

Me losing a battle that I just can’t win

Watching a love one

Who has stopped caring for themselves 

The burden has been placed on me to hold

The weight on my shoulders

Are getting to be too much to bear

How can I carry anymore

I try and keep myself alive

It’s hard when the world is passing me by

Seeing a loved one place more on these shoulders

Wrapping my arms around my knees

Burning my head

The tears begins to fall

How much can a person bear

Before it’s much

Does the family seem to care

I fight this battle

Deep inside

Everyday I keep going

Not letting anyone see

Except for today

A glimpse you all see

Why Do You Love Me

 Why do you love me

I don’t understand 

I am not the prettiest

Or the thinnest

I am broken

I am scared and bruised

I have fought battles

I don’t want you to see

The scars on my arm

Shows a time of pain

Being ignored

Feeling lost

Not heard

The scars on my leg

Remind me I am too much

Too needy

Too something

Being told no one will want me

I don’t understand why you do

The hair on my body

Shows you an imbalance 

Of something I can’t control

Yet, you see past that

I still don’t understand 

Being made too feel like I don’t belong

Feeling like you’re embarrassed 

Can’t stand up for me

Yet someone is telling me

They love me

Why

Why do you love me

I am emotional

I don’t trust

Closed off

Full of pain and hurt

Pushing you away

Hands on your chest yelling

Leave me alone I don’t want you in

Yet, you grab my arms and look at me

Remind me I am loved

Scars

Skin coloration

Being overweight 

Overthink

When others are embarrassed 

You come running

I don’t understand you

I wish you could tell me why

Why you love me

Love me so deeply that it can hurt

How can you love me

When I am kneeling

With my hands on my face

Crying

Breaking

Seeing my scars

Feeling so much

I can’t breathe

You hold me

Once again remind me

You love me

I don’t understand

I Took a Shower

 I took a shower today

I felt the water hit my head

Then run down

As I stood there

I cringed

I wanted to scream

I wanted to get out

From the moment the water touched me

The water that hit me

Was only like warm

Has it continued to hit me

It felt like it was almost scalding

The water felt like pellets

Hitting the top of my head

Like a bad rainstorm 

on a warm summer day

I stood there

Trying to grab the shampoo 

One

Two 

Three pumps of shampoo in my palm

I can’t do anymore 

It has to be enough

I try and lather it in my hair

To only feel like I can’t

The textures that mix

Are a weird sensation 

WHY IS THE WATER STILL TOUCHING ME

I thought I moved the shower head

Pellets of water still fall on me

I try and find the soap

I try and lather it

As I need to finish in this shower

God I need to scrub my arms

Every part of me

My legs

I can’t forget those

I scrub

I scrub and I scrub as if they are dirty

There is no dirt on them

I keep scrubbing

Maybe I can get them clean

Then I stop

My legs burning

The water still falling

I have to get out

I try and rinse my hair

I think I got the soap out

Now the rest

I am good 

No, I have to rinse my legs

They still look dirty

I scream at myself

That they are clean

For it’s only soap that remains

Hot water off first

The feeling of the hot water

No longer there

A sense of relief 

Then the cold water goes off

I can finally breathe

I can get out now

Time to get dressed

As I stand there 

I have to tell myself I did a good

I tell myself I am clean

I didn’t just wash up

I am now clean from head to toe

My body is screaming at me

Screaming why did I do this

Screaming that I am still not clean

Screaming that the pellets will keep coming

How

How can I shower

When I feel dirty

When I feel dirty after

The pellets of water beat down

All I know

Is I have to keep trying

One day

I will be able to take a shower

Believe I am okay

TW: Scratching

 A man walked in front of me

I swerved to miss him

Then it began

My hand on my neck 

My fingers behind my ear

Scratch

I feel my heart racing

Scratch

I am trying to breath

Scratch

Scratch

I’m forcing the breaths to stay calm

Then I notice

The scratching

It’s getting harder

Behind my ear

I have to stop

I can hear the voice in my head

Screaming my name

Over and over

STOP!!!

I finally stop

After a minute

I feel the scratching continue behind my ear

I want to scratch more

God I can’t

It takes every ounce of me

I have to grip this wheel

I’m almost home

I got this

I pull in the drive

Press 1 for vet

Press 3 for LGBTQ+

Someone please answer

Someone picks up

I’m trying to breath

Telling them I’m ok

Telling them I’m safe

Am I saying that

Do I believe it

God I want to scratch more

I tell them what happened

I try to tell them I didn’t want to

It was an accident

It just happened

My hand was in my neck

Then it started

Oh my god it’s my fault 

Maybe I should have paid better attention

Maybe I should I have something else

No, swerving was a good thing

Wait am I back to zero

This isn’t good

I let them down

I can’t do this

How could I do that

How can I go back down to zero

Maybe it doesn’t count

Wait the definition says

Shit!

I have too start again

How could I be stupid

I can’t make them worried

I did

I made them worried

The call I’m on

They are trying to help

Hour and half later

I’m calming down

I think I’m ok

Oh wait 

I’m not ok 

Someone asked me

How ok I was

I told them

I was

I don’t know

I can’t breathe

My heart pounding

Make this stop

How do I make this stop

I can’t keep letting them down

I have let them down enough

I can’t start again