I Took a Shower

 I took a shower today

I felt the water hit my head

Then run down

As I stood there

I cringed

I wanted to scream

I wanted to get out

From the moment the water touched me

The water that hit me

Was only like warm

Has it continued to hit me

It felt like it was almost scalding

The water felt like pellets

Hitting the top of my head

Like a bad rainstorm 

on a warm summer day

I stood there

Trying to grab the shampoo 

One

Two 

Three pumps of shampoo in my palm

I can’t do anymore 

It has to be enough

I try and lather it in my hair

To only feel like I can’t

The textures that mix

Are a weird sensation 

WHY IS THE WATER STILL TOUCHING ME

I thought I moved the shower head

Pellets of water still fall on me

I try and find the soap

I try and lather it

As I need to finish in this shower

God I need to scrub my arms

Every part of me

My legs

I can’t forget those

I scrub

I scrub and I scrub as if they are dirty

There is no dirt on them

I keep scrubbing

Maybe I can get them clean

Then I stop

My legs burning

The water still falling

I have to get out

I try and rinse my hair

I think I got the soap out

Now the rest

I am good 

No, I have to rinse my legs

They still look dirty

I scream at myself

That they are clean

For it’s only soap that remains

Hot water off first

The feeling of the hot water

No longer there

A sense of relief 

Then the cold water goes off

I can finally breathe

I can get out now

Time to get dressed

As I stand there 

I have to tell myself I did a good

I tell myself I am clean

I didn’t just wash up

I am now clean from head to toe

My body is screaming at me

Screaming why did I do this

Screaming that I am still not clean

Screaming that the pellets will keep coming

How

How can I shower

When I feel dirty

When I feel dirty after

The pellets of water beat down

All I know

Is I have to keep trying

One day

I will be able to take a shower

Believe I am okay