Windows crash open
Broken glass everywhere
I thought I could breath
A gush of air flies around me
Sharp objects as small as rice
Comes flying towards me
I scream in pain
Trying to escape this vast openness
Running
Anywhere
As with each blast of air
Sharp objects hit me over and over
No blood is shed
Surprisingly
I am trying to find cover
Everywhere I turn
Wind
Flying objects
There is no escape
I feel the darkness creeping in
I am pretending everything is ok
I fake a smile
Hide behind the laugh
Yet my eyes will always tell
Yet I try and hide
I want to hide the pain
The grief
Everything that I am feeling
The lack of physical pain I feel
No one knows what is deep inside
I am afraid of losing a friendship
Grieving so much loss
Trying to learn to live
Especially without family
Feeling more alone than normal
Watching the world go by
As everyone is needing someone else
Someone else is needing them
I don’t feel needed
Being left alone in the shadows
In the silence
Being happy for everyone
Yet crying inside
They may see me
Don’t say a word
That’s ok
I don’t want them to worry
I’ll let them live
Their lives go on
I’m no longer needed
No longer wanted
Feelings of not being capable
Screams deep inside
Want to claw its way out
Somehow it gets shoved down
No one wants to hear
The complaints
The cry’s
Anything my body wants to do
I stand in the corner of the shadows
Watching the world
Trying to hang on
I don’t know what else to do
I kneel because I want too
For the love I have for you
I knew because I can let go
The cares are no longer there
I kneel out of submission
Out of desire and need
I kneel for the look in your eyes
Wanting to please
The touch on my cheek
So soft and tender
The dominance over me
Overwhelms me
Thank you Sir
Thank you for your love
Your devotion
Thank you for caring for me
Guiding me
I feel like I am stupid
Waiting for something
That may never come
I was hoping
Praying
Things would be different
Instead
I fear they are the same
I asked for something
Not knowing the future
It will come to bite me
Instead it just won’t show
Does that mean it’s true
That I am just not wanted like that
If it is given
It can be so easily taken away
That is the fear
The hope I had is diminishing
The endless photos
Of hope
Love
Support
I should just delete
Does it really mean anything
All that time wasted
I mean
Was it a waste
I don’t know
Only you can really tell me
Screeching
Banging
All within the corners of my mind
Silent voices
Not even a whisper
Just the noises from beyond
Something new
More torment
The dark shadows want to play
Realizing words rarely work
Whispers no longer heard
Banging of pipes
Scratching surfaces
Making me feel insane
That is what they are best at
Craving iron
They can not get
At least not yet
Finding a new way for me to break
Seeing how long this takes
The moment I close my eyes
Loud noises start
Insanity creeps in
My dark shadows and the insanities are becoming friends
Teaming up
Finding a new way to destroy
Finding a new way to find iron
Is it true
The words that were said
No one will want me
Is it a lie
That someone
Somewhere
Will I only be good for one thing
A mistress
A second
An after thought
Only in the back of someone’s mind
Maybe just a shadow
I want to be a priority
A first
Not a last
Not a second
I don’t even know what’s that like
I seem to choose wrong
Maybe the words are wrong
I don’t know anymore
Will I ever
Words dictate actions
Actions don’t match
Which one do I believe
I was taught to hear the words
Not see what is done
I ask questions
I overthink
I want answers
Which only makes you mad
I crawl inside
Into a shell
Try to hide so you can’t see
The wall crumbling on top of me
Trouble breathing
Anxiety filled
Not knowing how to survive
Trying to decipher your words
Figuring out which ones are real
With each breath you take
Every sound that escapes
I try and believe you
Believe I am loved
Worth fighting for
I am not some second
An after thought
I am someone
Not just anyone
I ask again
Are the words true
Resting on your lips
Listening
Waiting
Only time will tell
You saw me working hard
Doing things out of my norm
Yet it seemed like it wasn’t good enough
Not an attaboy
Nothing
It was can’t you guys get more of this
More of that
I have come a long way you know
I lift more than I used too
I have lost weight
Dropped sizes
Gained muscles
All since you saw me last
Yet, nothing meaningful
Why are not you proud
You don’t say you are
Your actions sure don’t speak it
What am I supposed to believe
Is none of you are proud
You are all the same
Came from the seed
I should know better
I shouldn’t have hope
Especially for things to change
I am sorry I won’t measure up
I am sorry I am not enough
Maybe one day I’ll make you proud
Maybe one day I’ll make everyone else too
I want to pull away
Save myself from pain
Hurt
Everything that I have felt before
The heartache
Being broken into a million pieces
If I hurt you
Then I won’t get hurt
Right
That’s how it works
I hurt you
Before you hurt me
Now I am in this knee jerk reaction
Not knowing what to do
Do I push
Do I pull
Which is it
How do I breathe
I don’t know anymore
What I want seems to be leaving my grip
Slipping from my hands the more I push
Yet I’m the one pulling away
Somehow I am still wanting to hold on
Years of trust built
Not wanting to break
Yet, I want to destroy it
Tell them to go
Leave
Go away
I don’t need you anymore
That would be a lie
I need them
I want them
Everything about them
I need to pull in this tug a war of emotions
Pull in a direction that will keep me safe
Will it keep me safe
Will it just cause me harm
I don’t know
I just don’t know.
