TW: Scratching

 A man walked in front of me

I swerved to miss him

Then it began

My hand on my neck 

My fingers behind my ear

Scratch

I feel my heart racing

Scratch

I am trying to breath

Scratch

Scratch

I’m forcing the breaths to stay calm

Then I notice

The scratching

It’s getting harder

Behind my ear

I have to stop

I can hear the voice in my head

Screaming my name

Over and over

STOP!!!

I finally stop

After a minute

I feel the scratching continue behind my ear

I want to scratch more

God I can’t

It takes every ounce of me

I have to grip this wheel

I’m almost home

I got this

I pull in the drive

Press 1 for vet

Press 3 for LGBTQ+

Someone please answer

Someone picks up

I’m trying to breath

Telling them I’m ok

Telling them I’m safe

Am I saying that

Do I believe it

God I want to scratch more

I tell them what happened

I try to tell them I didn’t want to

It was an accident

It just happened

My hand was in my neck

Then it started

Oh my god it’s my fault 

Maybe I should have paid better attention

Maybe I should I have something else

No, swerving was a good thing

Wait am I back to zero

This isn’t good

I let them down

I can’t do this

How could I do that

How can I go back down to zero

Maybe it doesn’t count

Wait the definition says

Shit!

I have too start again

How could I be stupid

I can’t make them worried

I did

I made them worried

The call I’m on

They are trying to help

Hour and half later

I’m calming down

I think I’m ok

Oh wait 

I’m not ok 

Someone asked me

How ok I was

I told them

I was

I don’t know

I can’t breathe

My heart pounding

Make this stop

How do I make this stop

I can’t keep letting them down

I have let them down enough

I can’t start again