Dark Hallways

I didn’t realize what mental illness was

As I walked down the halls

I pretended everything was ok

Acted like nothing was wrong

As I held my arms facing down

With marks on my wrists

I tried to hide what was being felt

Years went on

The pain continued

It just got worse

Fighting these demons

Ones that were starting to show

The ones that stood there laughing

I continued to feel pain

Trying to numb the world around me

I only knew one thing

No one seemed to notice

Walking down longer halls

More students surrounding me

Fake laughter filling my lungs 

I tried to reach for help

I was told my world didn’t matter

What light I had left was fading

Quickly

I tried again to hold my hand out

Begged for help

Yet again I got my hand pushed away

Told I was making it up

With dark marks showing up

More marks on my arms

No one seemed to care

I begged and begged for someone

Just to listen to me

No one was there

The lights finally faded

I gave up

I continued to go numb with the pain

Trying to figure out how to survive

The darkness got worse

I learned to cage it

The pain grew numb

I didn’t care

Why should I really

No one cared about me

I believed no one would love me

I jumped at the first person to say the words

Believed that was love

To find out that was not

Marks faded

Scars formed

I stopped begging

Barely survived

So many years 

I felt that numbness

That haunted me

More scars formed

Words said before

Were stung so deep

Like a knife shoved in me

Darkness escaped those cages

As the numbness shined again

Fighting a world 

Feeling all alone

Surviving

Barely

Nowhere to turn

Cages get locked

Pain subsides

Learning to control

Darkness tries to fade

Never for long

It’s always there

Now it’s a wild beast

Roaming a forest

Waiting

Wanting to attack

Next time 

May not keep survivors 

Pay Attention

 I crave your attention

Sometimes anyone’s attention really

Then again

Maybe I just want to be alone

I don’t want to burden you

If I burden you

Then you’ll stop talking to me

Maybe it’s my mind racing

Like the Indy 500

Only make left turns

Can’t find its way out

To only try and stop

Before the car ahead of me wrecks

The debris flies everywhere

I move and not get hit

Only for the debris to make impact

I am not hurt

I don’t think I am

I want your attention

Here we go again

Where I sit here 

I type out this long message

Tell you the things I want

How my day went

The feelings and emotions

Maybe the numbness of the day

Screaming in my head

I hear ringing from my phone

Voices in the hall

Now looking at me

I can’t stop and think

My head is filled

I want your attention

I know it’s not as easy

As I want it to be

For life is here

Unfortunately we have to live

It doesn’t help I wonder

If you miss me

As I miss you

Maybe the amount of 

I don’t know what

Fills me up

I crave everything about you

My head spins out of control yet again

Telling me you are ignoring me

Ok maybe it’s parts of me

No wait

I’m a burden, that’s right

For I talk to much

Another post just sent your way

What does that make

Oh, yeah ten

Ok I get it

I can be a lot

I try and stop my brain

From spinning like a top

Going in circles 

I try and breath 

I only get dizzy

The words just keep coming 

Wait did you see that

I can’t go without

My collar is trying to break

Now what do I do

My brain spirals some more

Anxiety takes over

Like the little orange person that they are

Running in circles 

Somehow I need to stop

Maybe I am alone

I can’t be alone

For the friends I have

Have my hands

They shake me by my shoulders

And beg me to stop

Try to get me to slow down 

Somehow 

My brain speeds up

Thoughts of feeling naked swarm over me

Like a thousand bees buzzing 

The collar has been there

Oh my gosh for seven years

How can I lose it now

If it’s gone I am not a submissive

Ok you’re right it doesn’t define me

I hear you

As I am wanting your attention

You stand there

Staring at me

Reminding me

No matter what you are doing

You are there

Even if my bees are buzzing