TW: I Am Not Okay

I am not okay

I am not okay

Due to the conversations

Emails

Phone calls

I had today

I have to put this face on

Pretend that I am fine

Pretend that I am okay today

But

I am not okay

My world crumbles

Feeling as if I am too something

Too much

Too needy

Overthink too much

Needing too many reassurances

For I am something all the time

For today I am not okay

How am I supposed to be okay

When I feel like I am losing hope

Losing the friendships I have built

Losing what I felt was safe

How can I be okay

I hurt those I love

I hurt people

I am overbearing

I am too brash

All I do is need people

For that I am too…..

I am not okay

The thoughts in my head

The calls I want to make

The feelings in my body

I am not okay

Deep within the calls I should make

The preaching I do

For I can’t do it myself

If I do I will get looked down upon

That’s how I am made to feel

Yet, I am not okay

I have to be okay

I have to put this mask on

Put a smile on

Pretend that I am fine

Say that I am okay

As the world around me is on fire

Because in reality

I am not okay

I should pick up the phone

I should make that call

Then people will think I called because of them 

Maybe if I do the things I want

They will think they caused it

When in reality it wasn’t them

It was so much more

It was just the icing of the cake 

It was the last straw

Because I have been thinking about it

For weeks now

BECAUSE I AM NOT OKAY

I overthink

I am insecure

I need the extra love that you may not need

I am beginning to feel

That I can’t find the person I am meant too

I can’t even help myself

If I can’t help myself then how can I find them

Oh, that’s right

I am insecure

I overthink

I am too much

I am too needy

I need too much 

I am like a demontor

I have to be ok

I have to pretend my life is fine

Put that smile back on

Be the best mom

Be the best daughter

Be the friend 

Oh wait, maybe I can’t 

Maybe I am too much to be the friend

Nevermind I think I am ok

Maybe I am not

I am getting dizzy

From all the thoughts swimming in my head

Making a word tornado

I can’t make waves of what is being said

All I know is that I AM NOT OKAY

I am not okay 

I feel like I am losing my best friend

I am losing the person I fell so hard for

Once again I gave my heart away

Once again it got crushed

And yet again I have to be fine

I am stupid

I fall for the men I can’t have

I am stupid for believing

I am stupid for being here 

For I am not okay

Pick up the phone

No, you can’t

Where’s the knife

You can’t do that

You have to be better 

I am not okay

You need to live

Do I really

I can’t function

I can’t think

I am so overwhelmed 

I don’t know what to do

I KNOW

I AM NOT OKAY