A man walked in front of me
I swerved to miss him
Then it began
My hand on my neck
My fingers behind my ear
Scratch
I feel my heart racing
Scratch
I am trying to breath
Scratch
Scratch
I’m forcing the breaths to stay calm
Then I notice
The scratching
It’s getting harder
Behind my ear
I have to stop
I can hear the voice in my head
Screaming my name
Over and over
STOP!!!
I finally stop
After a minute
I feel the scratching continue behind my ear
I want to scratch more
God I can’t
It takes every ounce of me
I have to grip this wheel
I’m almost home
I got this
I pull in the drive
Press 1 for vet
Press 3 for LGBTQ+
Someone please answer
Someone picks up
I’m trying to breath
Telling them I’m ok
Telling them I’m safe
Am I saying that
Do I believe it
God I want to scratch more
I tell them what happened
I try to tell them I didn’t want to
It was an accident
It just happened
My hand was in my neck
Then it started
Oh my god it’s my fault
Maybe I should have paid better attention
Maybe I should I have something else
No, swerving was a good thing
Wait am I back to zero
This isn’t good
I let them down
I can’t do this
How could I do that
How can I go back down to zero
Maybe it doesn’t count
Wait the definition says
Shit!
I have too start again
How could I be stupid
I can’t make them worried
I did
I made them worried
The call I’m on
They are trying to help
Hour and half later
I’m calming down
I think I’m ok
Oh wait
I’m not ok
Someone asked me
How ok I was
I told them
I was
I don’t know
I can’t breathe
My heart pounding
Make this stop
How do I make this stop
I can’t keep letting them down
I have let them down enough
I can’t start again
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