I’m Sorry

 Written: 7/19/2023

The memories flood back 

As if they never left

They need space 

The words of I’m Sorry

Escape their lips as they try and fix it

Too late

I am crushed

They walked out the door

Back to their wife

Me,  ever good enough

Too much

Too needy

Too something

All the time, I’m too….

I don’t know this time

My world crashed again

As I hear the same words

They need a little space

The marriage needs work

I am left again standing there

With nowhere to go

Feeling like the storm cloud over my head

is about to explode

The tears fall instead

Redness fills my cheeks

As I hear those words

I am told again that the space is needed

All I do is make people feel disappointed 

Feel bad 

Feel hurt

All I am is too much

Too needy

Too something 

All I do is cause pain to people

I tend to find people who I can’t have

Who tell me what I want to hear

The truth never escapes their mouth

Maybe that day it did

maybe that did the truth was believed

Today it’s all taken back

I am made to feel like I messed up again

The constant people in my life I pushed away again 

I know it’s not me it’s them

Somehow I hurt them 

I am too much. 

I am too much for people

I overthink

I talk to much

I feel to much

I need people too much

I am just too much

I am overbearing

I need attention

I overthink so much I can’t think straight

Then I need the reassurance of the reassurance

Just so I can sleep

Then to find out that the overthinking I was doing

Was right

What I felt was justified 

Even though I felt crazy 

It was all in my head

I was believed it was just me

Yet I am too much

Too needy

I am too something

All I do is hurt people

I hurt them because of my emotions and my feelings 

I need to not feel 

I can’t have emotions

If I do I hurt them

I hurt the people I care about

Once again

The people I thought were going to be there

Are not

One has left 

The other is going to feel distant 

My circle of friends gets smaller

I don’t know how to do friends

This whole time I need friends

I can’t 

I don’t know how to trust

When I trust I get hurt

I feel the pain to my core

Oh my God I want to get sick

There goes the knot in my throat

I need to push this down

Maybe I should

Ok, I am good

My cheeks beat red

Burning from the tears

I don’t know what I have left

I don’t have it left in me

I am always the second

I will never be the first

I will always be too much

Too needy

I will always hurt you

Even when I don’t mean too 

I will overthink

I am sorry

I am so sorry

I am sorry for everything

I am sorry for the hurt 

The pain

I am sorry I overthink

I am sorry I am too much all the time 

I am sorry I am too needy all the time 

I am so sorry