Insecurity

 Written: 2/8/2025

So many times

I want to ask if we are ok

Deep down 

I feel like we are not

At the same time I know we are

I remember it’s trauma

The feeling of being abandoned

By friends

Lovers

Partners

Whatever they called themselves

I struggle everyday

To remind myself we are ok

When my mind goes dark

The shadows on the walls

Come to life

Call my name

Move with the wind 

Scream in my mind 

I want to doubt more

That we are not okay

I am not your center

I know this

Adulting is hard

Sharing is harder

Somehow I have to keep learning

Navigating

Remembering 

We are ok

When lives get chaotic

Words aren’t spoken

Is when I need to remember more

Yet

That’s when my mind screams the most

Telling me everything

How I am so much

You need distance

Just so you can breathe

Honestly, who can blame you

My mind has these demons

That pull me down

Now  live on my walls

Struggling to live is a lot

Even for me

I get it

I am a lot

I am too much

I know I can smother

Need to much

Cling to every word

Crave your voice and your attention

It can be overpowering

I get why you would

Why you would need this distance

Here I am trying to push you

I don’t know what else to do

My mind is full of darkness

And I don’t want you in

You have seen the darkest of my walls

Watched these demons pull me down

Into the void of the caverns

As I clawed at the gravel 

Just to leave marks 

Left a trail in front of me

Hoping I can be found

I push you so hard

That my body wants you to walk away

Maybe it would be easier

Then I know my world would crumble

Maybe erupt like a waiting volcano

The aftermath would be even more darkness

Somehow you know my move before I play it

You have always been good at that 

Deep down you know

I want you more than I let on

More than my thoughts allow me to say

The darkness covers the good ones in hope

I hurt someone 

Maybe that is when I will feel good

Only to discover it just causes more pain 

I want to reach out

Send nudes to random people

That’s what I did before 

How unhealthy that was

To crave attention from someone

Who didn’t care about me

Now only expects them 

Demands those pics

When I say no

I crave this dopamine

I don’t know where to get it

I push you away 

Maybe my body will get that

Deep down it knows that isn’t the fix

I hold on to you with all my strength

I need stability

Someone to remind me I am ok

My feelings are valid

Somewhere I am enough

How you put up with me

I don’t know

I am so mean

I doubt us so much

Especially when the dark figures are near

Saying things that only scare you

Make you terrified for me

Worried about me more 

I try to hide so much

Yet, you look at me

You know

You know my thoughts

My feelings my everything

Your touch

Your eyes

Your being

Reminds me

I have safety

I don’t know why I keep pushing

Somehow you still love me

You hold me

Say “this is what we do”