Mirage

You approach me 

Like seeing this beauty

In a far off place

A mirage of colors

That only pushes itself away

When one gets too close

Afraid to be seen

Like a phantasm 

You thought you saw

Pushes you more

As you try again

To approach from another direction

In hopes to attract 

Another glimpse facing you

Miles down the road

Pulling you in

Getting closer

Still pushing away

You try and try and try some more

To distract 

In hopes it will just stop

So you can admire what you have been seeing

Begin to wonder

Will you ever catch up

Of something moving so fast

Repealing so hard

Like opposing magnets

Trying to convince this beauty

To stay for awhile

Stop retracting from you 

Maybe one day you will

It will stand still

Disassociation

Are you okay

I get asked daily

I tell them I’m fine

As I mask the overwhelming amount of stress I feel

I stare at them

Pretending that I am fine

That is all I know how to do

For trauma built me this way 

To mask everything deep within

Walking through the door

Smiling

As if nothing is going on

Pretending everything around me is rainbows

Except overhead is this storm cloud

Raining down

Spilling on my face

Portraying as tears

Wiping them away as if my hands are blades

Trying not smudge the shit that piled up

Hoping to see clear

Sitting in radio silence

I try and hide in a room full people

Earbuds in

Focused on other things

If I don’t hear or see them

They can’t hear or see me

Right

Somehow I have to keep moving

Masking

Disassociating from this reality around me

As my chest hurts

Remind me that I am human

I am not this superwoman 

Yet, I keep fighting

Burning out

With a candle burning from both ends

Keeping my home intact

Along with my mask

It’s becoming like phantom of the opera 

Whose face you see half of

Only revealing when he is ready

Except this mask

Is held tightly with ribbons 

Almost glued to my face

Still I look at them

Telling them I am fine

As my body feels like quasimodo

Hunched from the attacks

My head trying to stay high

Before my knees hit the floor

Turning my body to stone 

Heaviness is weighing me

No more fight

Yet

I tell you I am fine

Disassociated

Masked

Most of you believe me 

As internally I’m screaming

Not wanting to be here

I find a way

I always do

 

My Ride or Die

 You were there when I lost everything

Lost my home

Family 

Friends

You were there when I got screamed at 

Told I wasn’t good enough

I was a terrible person

I felt like I wouldn’t amount to anything

Made to feel no man will every want me

Not even you

You were there as I sat there bleeding

Blood dripping down my leg

Tears staining my cheeks

So much pain filled me

I hated everyone

Yet, shame overwhelmed me

You were there when I told the guy no

I was blamed for what happened 

Told if I didn’t go I wouldn't be in the situation I was in

I wouldn’t have lost more friends

You were there when another guy broke my heart

You picked up the broken pieces 

Tried to glue them back with gold

Handled them so delicate

Like I may break again

The words you spoke 

Only told me that I was worth more 

You were there when I wanted to give up

Felt like driving off a bridge

Hiding all those suicidal thoughts

Thoughts of shelf harm

You wet there

Telling me how precious I was

Even to you, I was worth a 1000 words

Love behind each one filled me

Replaced the darkness 

You never gave up on me

When I gave up on myself

You encouraged me

When I continued to say negative things

Daily for years truth came pouring out

Even to my deaf ears

I heard you

You never left me

You stayed

You saved me

You didn’t even know it