Still Hurting

I find the pain runs deep

Something that I didn’t think could happen

Yet, here I stand 

Standing in the mirror looking at myself 

Not knowing the person

Even who I have become

My head screaming

The tears stream down

All I want to do is punch the mirror staring at me

I turn my back instead

Hoping if I don’t face it

The pain will go away

Hurt, grief, anger

So much more builds inside of me

Trying to figure out why you weren’t there

Yet your body was present

The emotions were cold

At times heartless

I saw the self-centerness

The rage inside me formed

As you continued to to talk about you

You don’t see me

Hearing me is a challenge

If you saw or heard me, you’d have to face reality

That is something you are unable to do

If you did, that may cause you pain too

God forbid you think of someone else

You think I am evil?

Yet people have heard you

People see how you treat me

You don’t love me

Not really

You love the idea of being

Others in your life mean more

They will always mean more

I don’t stoop to your level

Now, you are you not here

Not in my face everyday

Yet you find ways to still hurt me

I sit down and think

Maybe just maybe I should be better

I carry the guilt and the shame

Maybe I need to be fixed because I am broken

Its you that needs to be fixed

Somehow I am grieving 

That you are never coming home

You never took care of yourself

No matter what i said

No matter how hard i tried

You never heard what I said

Didn’t care what i thought

It wasn’t good enough for you

Yet, I want to cry for you

My body feels shame

Guilt

And so much more

That I don’t know how to cope 

Cope with these feelings or these thoughts

Everything that is swirling in my head

God forbid if I tried

If i tried i may feel more

I don’t want that

I can’t let you in or win this battle

I have to find away of escape 

Escaping out of my head

I find ways to stay in there

Trying to fight this battle

I am losing.