Am I Worth It?

 Am I worth it?

Am I worth the message you send daily

The call you make

What about the comment you said

Telling me I am beautiful 

Am I truly worth it?

Seeing the scars on my body

The weight that I carry

My shoulders being heavy

The trauma I face

Am I worth it?

The darkest days

The ones still to come

Days of self doubt

Overthinking 

Racing thoughts

Even the ideations

Does that make me worth it?

I watch you turn your back

Walking away

Will turn around

Face me another day 

Look at the scars on my arms and chest

What about my legs 

The hair that shows 

That no lady should bare

Yet, here we are 

Am I still worth it?

I stand there

Ready to collapse

I am tired of fighting and chasing

I have nothing left

For if you walk away

Then go and don’t come back

If you choose to stay 

Then don’t break my heart

The breath I have

Is all I have left

The voice is slowly going

The hope I have is no more

I begin to fear

That I am no longer worth your time

No matter the lies or truth you tell me

At the end of the day

Am I worth it?

Trying to Survive

 

Feet dangling

Hands gripping tightly on the edge

Hoping that it doesn’t break beneath the weight 

Dirt and rocks under my fingers

Making it difficult to cling on

Each passing moment

Each adjustment

Feeling my fingers slip

Looking up pleading

For anyone

Anyone to find me

To care to hear me

To save me

Weights fill my arms 

they begin to turn to jello

Growing numb

I want to let go

Needing to fight

I hold on

Just a little be longer

Hold On

 

Feet dangling

Hands gripping tightly on the edge

Hoping that it doesn’t break beneath the weight 

Dirt and rocks under my fingers

Making it difficult to cling on

Each passing moment

Each adjustment

Feeling my fingers slip

Looking up pleading

For anyone

Anyone to find me

To care to hear me

To save me

Weights fill my arms 

they begin to turn to jello

Growing numb

I want to let go

Needing to fight

I hold on

Just a little be longer

Standing on a Cliff

 

I stand on the ledge looking down

Trying not to fall

Dusk slowly setting in

The night sky appearing 

I fall to my knees

Bend my head down

My breathing gets harder 

As I try to relax

Knowing everything deep inside

Trying break free from their cage

Doors rattling

Locks on cages bang

The notices get louder

Holding my ears tightly

Ready to scream

Nightfall sets in

The ledge begins to recede from view

Sounds grow soft

Placing my hands on the ground

Feeling the gravel and dirt

Stirring up dust

I find the ledge

Pulling myself closer

Leaning down I scream

Every ounce of me

Trying to let go

Heaviness still fills me

A Mask of Fine

 

How do you ask for help

Without feeling like a burden

How do tell someone you are not ok

All you say is I am fine

The words fall out so naturally

That no one sees or notices

They take you at face value

All you do is scream internally

Screaming you are not okay

Even when someone notices

You say I’m fine

You can’t be that burden

You can’t weigh them down

You are carrying the weight 

You tell your therapist everything is grand

Put on this mask

That’s what you are good at 

 

The Cracks

 

The cracks are growing bigger

The demons are patiently waiting

They feel it’s about time

Before I just give in

I battle this all in my head

Fight it everyday 

I feel the pressure building

With each passing moment

My skin turning raw

Looks like bruises

I ignore what my wrists look like

For they are not the same

Yet only the beginning

I am told I need to fight

For that’s all I have left

Who am I fighting for

I don’t know anymore

The battle is strong

I am only collapsing

Maybe they are right

The moment I stop

Is when they won’t notice

Then it’s too late

Then maybe that’s when they’ll see

I have been fighting

All this time

Felt so alone

Maybe they will see why I stopped

Once the cracks get too big

There is no stopping it 

TW-Popping Pills

Can’t sleep

Yet another night

Picking up the phone

To find someone to call

Constant questions 

Asking if I am taking my medicine

For once, I am

Why do people assume I need

Is popping pills the answer

Can’t sleep pop pills

Stomachs ache

Pop pills

Migraine

Pop pills

When did we become a society

Of pill pushers

Yet, when we ask for pills

We get told no

We are seeking it out

Somehow we have it both ways

When in this messed up world 

There should only be one way

We have to fight a system

That is so against us

Here I am on the phone

Trying to explain why I can’t sleep

All I get is 

Am I popping pills

Nightmares

Nightmares creep in

Never knowing when it will hit

When I wake from one

I can tell you the time I have been down

2 hours

2 hours is how long for it take place

A nightmare that brings me to wake

From the moment I  lose my eyes

Drift to sleep

2 hours pass

I’m awake again

Floods

To biting scorpions

Spiders crawling on the walls

Trying to find fields of flowers

Only to be covered in stinging insects

Waking up feeling like I ran a marathon

All I did was swat them away

Maybe trying to escape the growing river

Flooding the world around me

Getting lost in this vast sea of water

Seeing a gator staring up at me

Trying to snap my feet off

Yet, each dream means something

I am losing control 

Fighting a battle

This invisible battle that is buried deep in my core

Where flames want to rise

Every two hours I do it again

Close my eyes

Drift to sleep

Wake again

Just a little more into the night

Hoping it wasn’t as bad as the last

Shapeshifter

There is this shapeshifter that lives within

Changing every minute

Every hour

Everyday

I can’t see their face

I know them as the nothing

For it’s the name of the demons trapped inside

Locked behind a steal re-enforced door

Seeing their shadows move back and forth

Trying to find a way to slide under the slits

Through the cracks it may find

One minute it’s quiet

The next it’s howling and banging at the door

Wanting to be brought to the other side

The nothing shifts from a shadow

To something more of a man

A man carrying what I only fear

What little light that is in this room

Reflects off the object

I see right away

That it’s the thing I fear most

The door shifts with the man

Shifts to glass windows

For the object is now scraping against the glass

This figure is trying to get to me

The scratching sounds never make a mark

Shock shows upon my face

Yet again man shifts

Shifts to an animal that was once caged

The room shifts again

With red lights that hang above

Barriers still in place blocking it from me

I don’t know how much longer

The longer I fight the mind games

Quicker it shifts

The room shifts with it

To match the anger that it feels

Until the nothing returns

The steal door shows once more

The Burden

I tell you I am fine

You believe me

I am not even sure why you do

Maybe to make yourself feel ok

Maybe you have hope that one day I’ll tell you the truth

You should know

That day won’t come

When I feel like a burden

Placing my hand along the dirty brick wall

As I walk in circles

The heaviness builds

The burden I carry

Is mine alone

Yet you remind me why I need to share

For I have you to rely on

My mind tells me I can’t

This battle of inner thoughts begin

A back and forth game 

That can never be won

The moment one side does

Other continues to fight 

This raging war battles again

I am reminded of this heaviness

All this weight is always mine to carry

No matter who you are

I can’t anymore

Your life is too precious 

I am too much

For these thought grow to dark

Battles only begin to start

No matter how much you try

Another battle starts

Gunshots go off

Cannons blare

I try and run away

You grab my arm

Only for me to fall

Standing over me

Reminding me why I am not this burden

Trying not to get sick

Tears dirty my face

Looking at you

Trying to pick up these pieces

As this war is going on around us

I scream at you

Please get away

I am only a burden

You don’t need to hear me

Don’t carry this weight

For it’s not yours to carry

Somehow it starts to melt

For just a second

The noise quiets

This burden gets shared

Collapsing in your arms

The raging war slowly quiets

Somehow I keep telling you I am fine

For it’s not yours to carry

Somehow it starts to melt

For just a second

The noise quiets

This burden gets shared

Collapsing in your arms

The raging war slowly quiets

Somehow I keep telling you I am fine

All I See is Letters

Words are swirling like a raging storm

Nothing making sense

Chaos encasing my thoughts

No freedom from this hurricane

Closing my eyes

Taking deep breaths

Trying to find peace deep inside

Only to find a wind storm of words

Words trying to act like raindrops

Falling from the ominous clouds

The clouds circling like a raging tornado

Words only turn into letters

Letters stop making words

Fall like hail

Hard to the ground 

I can hear the echoes of each falling letter

Trying to make a word

As it slams to the ground 

With such infuriation

Bending down

Picking up the letters

That are falling

I am trying to make sense of it all

Screams from across the way ring out

Blood curling sounds are heard

I collapse to the ground

The sounds are deafening

Splashes from the hail

The winds still howling

Nothing is making sense still

How can it

When everything is flying at me

The debris with such force

From everything around me

Yet I can’t see where anything is coming from

Eyes shut tight

Trying to breathe

Hyperventilation trying to leave

Holding it back

Only to have panic set in

How can I describe what I am feeling

When there is so much emotion 

Big emotions

Radiating off of me

As if I can calm down enough

I can’t explain 

The fierceness of the wind gets stronger

The blocks of ice are thicker

The blood curling sounds pierce your ears

To the point of shattering your ear drums

Yet, here I am

Collapsed again

On this wet cold ground

Hurricanes

Tornadoes

Every storm circling around me

Somehow

I need to explain it

The words can’t flow

All I see are letters