Object

 I want feel something

Anything

Yet I want to be numb

Feeling mother

All at the same time

I want feel wanted

Loved

Something

Falling into bad habits

My way of coping

Out it goes

One pic , two, three

Gradually getting sexier

Making the person wanting more 

Feeling something

Out goes another

And another

But is this me

Am I trying to cope

Trying to numb

Still trying to feel

Becoming an object of someone’s pleasure

Knowing the outcome 

Filling their desires

Ignoring mine

Not sure the accomplishment I’m after

What attention am I seeking

Validation

Feeling worthy

Wanted

I don’t know

I am an object now

To someone’s game

I am playing into it

I crave something

But what

Wolf

 I see you wolf

Sitting in the distance 

Scared to get close

Watching from afar

Pretending I don’t see

I see you walking

Circling me

Sniffing the air

Trying to see if I am safe

You keep your eyes locked

As you lay down 

Watching closely 

I sit down with you

Not close to touch

Smiling and waiting

Telling you it’s ok

You inch a little closer

Cautious of this human

Afraid to get hurt

Maybe a dagger will come down

Watching my hands

Eyeing every movement 

Another inch

Another

Another

I slowly lay down

Meeting you almost nose to nose

Not breaking eye contact

Staring into the blue depths

Your fur so silky smooth

One more inch

I lay my hand in front

Sniffing

Before you you lick the top

Making sure it’s ok

Slowly I scratch your ears

Reminding you that you are safe

It’s ok to lay here

Curling up in front

You close your eyes

Try and rest awhile 

One More

One more breath 

One more heartbeat

One more word

Is all I want

More conversations

More laughter

The way you were

Before you got sick

For I held your hand

Looking at you 

With tears streaming down my face

Begging for one more

Just another heartbeat

Another breath

Even another word

Begging and pleading with the nurses

To find what I was looking for

Screaming no 

When time of death was called

One more please

Begging them to keep looking

For just one more

Nothing to find

For you went home

As your seven minutes played

Your mom met you at the door

Just one more

Just one more 

Not Perfect

 Im sorry I am not perfect

I wish I was

I am sorry I am not enough

Words leave my mouth

Before I can stop them 

I wish things were different

You’d just take me as I am

Yet I feel like I am tossed aside

Once again by someone I loved

I know that’s not your meaning

Somehow i feel it’s true

My words I shared

Did put this wedge

That was never meant to be there

God I wish I was perfect

If I was maybe you’d take me

Tell me I am yours

Yet I feel your hands on my chest

Pushing me away

Telling me to go

Stop living in a fairytale 

Maybe I am doing just that

Living in a fantasy

Where I thought

I was perfect

At least for you

Now

I feel like I lost

This battle I wish I’d won

Am I Worth It

 Please tell me

Am I worth it

Worth to love

And get to know

Someone to talk to

Not get embarrassed of

Am I worth the emotions

Feelings that are built up

Deep within

That feels like a speeding train

Before it crashes

The pain in your chest

Is from caring too much

Not because of something negative 

Am I worth those long nights

Those endless smiles

Long phone calls

Texts that go all day

All you do is think of is the other person

Am I worth it

I feel like I am not

You want to lead me on

Say those right things

Tell me I’m pretty

Say you care

But am I worth it

All I get is answers that do not add up 

Change of subject

Put back on me

I guess I have my answer

I am not

Not worth all those good things

That I want to show you

Those endless nights

Long goodnights

For I am not worth it

I seems to never will be

Never Enough

Another letter went to you

Begging you to answer

What are we

I just need to know

Yet, you don’t want to answer

For whatever fear may come out of this

For me, I know what I want

Yet, you are too scared

I am sorry I fell for you

I wish I didn’t

If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here

Confused and wanting more

Something you can’t seem to provide

Instead you push me

Telling me to go

In your own way you want me to walk

To leave you 

This is the feeling I get

You push me to another

I scream at you

Wanting you to stop

To just love me

Like the way I want you to love me

Tell me to go

Date another

You do not want me

At least how I feel

Pushed to the side

Pretending I’m not there

The thoughts come racing

Knowing I’m not good enough

I’ll never be 

Nothing I saw will change 

You keep pushing me

Begging me to see others

I have your collar

I thought 

It doesn’t matter

Protection is what it is

Nothing to do with with love

Do you even love me

Are they just words 

Words to please me

You know I want to hear them

I am only good as a mistress

Nothing more

I am always replaceable 

Left to the side

Never enough

I am sorry

Sorry I loved you

Begged you for things

That are making you change your mind

Telling me I am putting a wedge between us

I am sorry I am your pain

I am your grief

Your heartache

I thought I was doing better

Instead

I am not enough

Never enough

Not Wanted

 Feeling pushed out the door

Not able to turn back

Hands slipping off the knob

Only to grip tighter

All I want to do is call your name

Somehow I feel you’re not there

Your words behind the door

The pain if flowing deep inside

This time is different 

As it seems

I’m no longer wanted

No longer loved

You telling me to go

Saying how I feel

As the door closes

A slight thud

As the door hit the frame 

Feeling so alone

Standing outside

Wishing I was back in

Those days are gone

I only fear

Nowhere to turn

Sliding down the door

Letting my hand fall 

Why

Why I am so undesirable

What did I do wrong

For someone to not want me

After all these years

Feeling all alone

When I felt so safe

Everything around me changed

I’m trying to survive 

Mirage

You approach me 

Like seeing this beauty

In a far off place

A mirage of colors

That only pushes itself away

When one gets too close

Afraid to be seen

Like a phantasm 

You thought you saw

Pushes you more

As you try again

To approach from another direction

In hopes to attract 

Another glimpse facing you

Miles down the road

Pulling you in

Getting closer

Still pushing away

You try and try and try some more

To distract 

In hopes it will just stop

So you can admire what you have been seeing

Begin to wonder

Will you ever catch up

Of something moving so fast

Repealing so hard

Like opposing magnets

Trying to convince this beauty

To stay for awhile

Stop retracting from you 

Maybe one day you will

It will stand still

Disassociation

Are you okay

I get asked daily

I tell them I’m fine

As I mask the overwhelming amount of stress I feel

I stare at them

Pretending that I am fine

That is all I know how to do

For trauma built me this way 

To mask everything deep within

Walking through the door

Smiling

As if nothing is going on

Pretending everything around me is rainbows

Except overhead is this storm cloud

Raining down

Spilling on my face

Portraying as tears

Wiping them away as if my hands are blades

Trying not smudge the shit that piled up

Hoping to see clear

Sitting in radio silence

I try and hide in a room full people

Earbuds in

Focused on other things

If I don’t hear or see them

They can’t hear or see me

Right

Somehow I have to keep moving

Masking

Disassociating from this reality around me

As my chest hurts

Remind me that I am human

I am not this superwoman 

Yet, I keep fighting

Burning out

With a candle burning from both ends

Keeping my home intact

Along with my mask

It’s becoming like phantom of the opera 

Whose face you see half of

Only revealing when he is ready

Except this mask

Is held tightly with ribbons 

Almost glued to my face

Still I look at them

Telling them I am fine

As my body feels like quasimodo

Hunched from the attacks

My head trying to stay high

Before my knees hit the floor

Turning my body to stone 

Heaviness is weighing me

No more fight

Yet

I tell you I am fine

Disassociated

Masked

Most of you believe me 

As internally I’m screaming

Not wanting to be here

I find a way

I always do

 

My Ride or Die

 You were there when I lost everything

Lost my home

Family 

Friends

You were there when I got screamed at 

Told I wasn’t good enough

I was a terrible person

I felt like I wouldn’t amount to anything

Made to feel no man will every want me

Not even you

You were there as I sat there bleeding

Blood dripping down my leg

Tears staining my cheeks

So much pain filled me

I hated everyone

Yet, shame overwhelmed me

You were there when I told the guy no

I was blamed for what happened 

Told if I didn’t go I wouldn't be in the situation I was in

I wouldn’t have lost more friends

You were there when another guy broke my heart

You picked up the broken pieces 

Tried to glue them back with gold

Handled them so delicate

Like I may break again

The words you spoke 

Only told me that I was worth more 

You were there when I wanted to give up

Felt like driving off a bridge

Hiding all those suicidal thoughts

Thoughts of shelf harm

You wet there

Telling me how precious I was

Even to you, I was worth a 1000 words

Love behind each one filled me

Replaced the darkness 

You never gave up on me

When I gave up on myself

You encouraged me

When I continued to say negative things

Daily for years truth came pouring out

Even to my deaf ears

I heard you

You never left me

You stayed

You saved me

You didn’t even know it